Tag: Survivor Activism

“Too Heavy”

By Sophie Olson
Opening a conversation on Twitter about the stigma of CSA

This tweet followed an interaction that left me feeling a bit tired. Despite the extraordinary estimated statistics of adult survivors in the U.K., CSA survivors are an isolated community. It is hard to come together as a group because people don’t want us. I remember years ago, trying to find a free venue for a local charity peer support group, so it could keep going despite funding cuts. I knocked on many doors: Churches, cafes, pubs, community centres and the message was loud and clear.

Our insurance won’t cover you (a church that hosted various community groups)

The elders have said it’s inappropriate (we were a small group of women, drinking tea and chatting, in private).

We don’t think it’s a suitable group for our church (a huge red flag in my opinion)

Continue reading ““Too Heavy””

Peer Support Update

Spaces for survivors of Child Sexual abuse (CSA) are few and far between. As a group we are hidden and can feel silenced. Even when people ‘know’, it can be hard to speak openly. We know the misconceptions people have, and the judgment that might be passed. We know exactly what speaking openly risks and what we might lose.

Thanks to The National Lottery Community Fund, our in-person, peer support group is now up and running. It is therapist and lived experience co-led, the aim being to create a sense of ‘us’ as opposed to the ‘them and us’ approach favoured by some but disliked by many. The encouragement is to share openly if you need to, leave armour and masks at the door, and to know that above all, you are welcome in the space. This applies to facilitators as well. If something feels relatable then why not say so? We can become so tied up in policy and protocol that we forget we are humans too. This can create a power imbalance within a group setting. It can also breed resentment. I used to ask, ‘but how do you understand? Have you experienced this yourself?’ and being frustrated by the cagey, neither yes nor no response.

CSA survivors who have experienced manipulation, betrayal or gaslighting to the extreme, deserve authenticity, connection, and sincerity, not rigidity and inflexibility.

As a group, CSA survivors are often placed in a peer support with others who have no experience of CSA. Whilst there might be similarities with those who have experienced sexual violence as an adult, there are also differences. I have benefitted from mixed groups – in many ways they were life changing for me and played a vital part role in my own journey, and I value beyond measure, the connections I made. However, at times I felt excluded from conversations because I was silenced by these differences. In my head they were significant, and I sat with a heavy feeling in my heart that others just wouldn’t – or couldn’t understand. So, I sometimes didn’t speak, even when I desperately wanted to. I longed to meet people ‘like me.’ I would have preferred a group of CSA survivors had there been a choice.

Spaces for survivors of CSA allow opportunity for us to meet and speak to others who can understand and relate in some way. Our stories may differ, but we will all face common challenges in a society that prefers to turn away from this form of abuse.

It is a privilege to meet such incredible and inspiring survivors at our different peer support groups, to hear their stories and to witness our isolated community coming together.

These 12 week in-person groups are not therapy groups. They are particularly suitable for those looking for survivor-led support but with the added reassurance of a highly experienced therapist and her well established (excellent!) self-development programme. The Surrey location is conveniently accessed on public transport with easy links to London.

“To Say or Not to Say… That is the Question”

In March, a wonderful thing happened. Amanda, a lovely lady who had attended a previous school training, got in touch to let me know she had decided to run the Surrey Half Marathon to raise money for The Flying Child. 

I was blown away by this. We are a Community Interest Company which means we are nonprofit and do rely on funding, and so for someone to choose us as their cause, meant such a lot to us.

Around this time we ordered some marketing materials for the organisation, and T-shirts for us as a team. We had recently publicly announced our new tagline…

“Society’s Shame Not Mine”

…and wanted to wear our T-shirts for our events but also to encourage much needed conversations about Child Sexual Abuse when out and about in everyday life.

We had a few comments on social media and private messages, asking if we would sell the T-shirts, and so when I met with Amanda to say thank you for the incredible £367.23 raised, we decided buying T-shirts would be a great way to spend the money. 

We had given a lot of thought to the original design. My dilemma was the words. One of the biggest problems we have in society is that people shy away from using the actual words. The acronym ‘CSA’ feels ‘safer’ but this can exacerbate stigma. Despite this, we decided the acronym ‘CSA’ is as valid as the words: ‘Child Sexual Abuse’ – for three reasons.

Firstly, as a survivor I remember how painful I found it – how impossible to say the words. I would have preferred to wear a T-shirt, or a badge that ‘said it’ without ‘saying it’. That would have felt far more comfortable for me.

Secondly, I want people to feel comfortable wearing the T-shirts around young children. I do believe children should be aware of the term, mine are – but I choose not to subject them to the words every moment I’m with them. I would also not want to walk into a school playground with the full words on show, and expose them to other children, without context.

The third reason is because I’ve noticed a curious thing happens when wearing something that ‘says it’ without ‘saying it’. People start to ask what it’s saying.

What does CSA stand for? people ask me. And I tell them, and the conversation, the one that never really happens, begins: What is it for? Where do you work? What does The Flying Child do… how did you get into that work… oh, you’re a survivor… I didn’t know… oh the statistics are that bad…? and so on.

Before they know it, people have had a whistle-stop tour of the societal issue that they might otherwise have remained blissfully unaware of: They engaged in a conversation that might never have happened. Had they seen ‘Child Sexual Abuse’ on my T-shirt, would they have spoken to me about the T-shirt? Possibly some might, but I know many would not. They would have avoided me, avoided my eye, and the opportunity to talk would have been lost.

So… there is absolute merit in using both. We need the real words out there because when we are used to seeing it it lowers the taboo and takes away some of the fear that makes many turn away … but we also need to gently coerce people into conversations that otherwise might not happen. 

We will therefore be offering T-shirts that both ‘say it’ and don’t ‘say it’. They will be FREE (we ask you pay for postage and packing), and available on a first-come, first-served basis and we hope you wear them, as we do, with pride – and spread the message that Child Sexual Abuse is “Society’s Shame, Not Mine”

(Please check our social media @TheFlyingChild for T-shirt announcments!)

Honest Conversations

By Sophie Olson

Stigma.

Shame.

Silence.

Three words that epitomise a problem survivor activists face as individuals trying to break down barriers, and make a positive change to the lives of both child victims and adult survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

It’s easy for me to stand in front of strangers and say the relevant words, but when it’s to someone I know, it takes a different sort of strength. I know what it risks. I’m tired of the ignorant reactions and know the likelihood of receiving one is high.

Continue reading “Honest Conversations”

Lived Experience

It is a commonly expressed concern that survivors are too vulnerable to do this work and might be retraumatised in the process. I have never felt this, on the contrary I feel empowered when I speak and it is fulfilling to be left with the sense of having made a tangible difference to the way professionals might perceive, interact with and respond to child and adult survivors of child sexual abuse.

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Storytelling

One year ago today The Last Taboo, a Falling Tree production documenting my experiences as a silent child sexual abuse survivor through the mental health system, was broadcast on BBC Radio 4. The documentary has been broadcast twice and the first time was late in the evening. As the day progressed I began to get cold feet. I remember thinking what on earth have I done? There were things my own family didn’t know about the abuse and I’d sent an email explaining this and suggesting that they didn’t listen to it live, late at night whilst on their own.

Continue reading “Storytelling”
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