This guest blog is a first from my co-speaker and Director of The Flying Child. Her name is Anna: we first met at a peer support group a few years ago. She is a very dear friend, and plays a pivotal role in everything we do. She wanted to explain what was going on in her head and I suggested it might make a relevant blog for survivors of CSA. I relate very much to this; I haven’t spoken about the situation in Ukraine as right now I’m too unsettled to do so. Anna succinctly puts into words what I am unable to.
I’ve been asking myself recently why am I pulling my hair in the evening? – unless I’ve remembered to tie it up, and why am I reaching for the wine most nights at the moment? I got my answer this morning. I’m troubled deep down by what I see the people of Ukraine going through. Well of course, everyone is, but why the self-harm element?
That was the question I really needed an answer to as my tummy’s in knots too and it hasn’t been in pain like this for years, not even through all the counselling – so why?
Putin represents the abusive members of my family. The Russian people represent the rest of my family who have been brainwashed over years and years of being lied to about what is real. I am Ukraine. Burnt, a shell of a person. Shocked by what I see has happened to me. I try, as a Ukrainian adult child with Russian relatives, to explain what’s really going on. But, due to the brainwashing, I’m told, “no, that’s not the way it is, Russia would never hurt you!”
But I have been hurt. I have been devastated. I have been broken. It’s like my family and how it works is being played out on the world stage for all to see and witness. My heart hurts for what is happening to Ukraine and to it’s people. I am Ukraine. I am the one who’s tried to fight so hard to get the enemy to withdraw. I am the one who has pleaded with other countries to help me get justice – like my pleading with the police. But it’s protocol that’s followed rather than a deep desire to find a way to help and protect. I understand, but…
The news about Putin, the Russian people and Ukraine has deeply triggered me. As soon as I realised my stomach stopped being in pain. Wonder if I’ll stop pulling my hair this evening?
Does anyone else relate to this? Has this situation that we’re living through already been lived through in your life? If so take care of yourself. It’s like being able to escape to a safe country, into safe, kind homes but, as for the Ukrainian people and for us with this worldwide trigger; it takes us back to the time when we realised – everything is lost.
Anna: The Flying Child